Unseen Arms

Driving through this night
my world feels like it's caving in,
but the windows rolled down
with the wind playing on me
and the music carrying me down the road,
there is a hint of comfort...
and I feel as if I'm being held
by arms I can't see.

Certainties Among Uncertainties

Lately I’ve been feeling like I should always be happy as I give my life over to the Lord, and I should be happy with what He does with my life.  I want to add here that I have been cautioned by a few friends about my usage of “should.” There may be too many “shoulds” in my thinking. One friend has told me that I should be careful, or I’ll “should all over myself.” It’s probably too late for that…

So, I’ve been wondering and wrestling with God over the question of, “What if I don’t like what God is doing in my life?” For days that seemed like weeks to me, I didn’t have an answer to this question… and I hated that.  The truth is, I don’t like a lot of what God is doing in my life. If I am brutally honest, I hate what He is doing in my life. The Bible says that God gives and takes away. It may be a bold thing to say, but He is taking away my mom right now. I’m watching her die very slowly of Dementia at the age of 56. I’m watching how it affects my dad who has been married to her for 30 years. I’m watching him gradually do more and more as she can do less and less. To even write all that right there blows my mind… it doesn’t even feel real sometimes.

I think of all the people that come to mind that God used greatly for His glory… people He hurt deeply by what He did in their lives. I think of Job, Jonah, Paul, and Jeremiah. I think of the writer of the song, “It is Well With My Soul,” who lost all his family members on one sinking ship. I don’t think he or Job or any of the others always liked what God was doing in their lives.

The truth is, these days, my walk with Jesus feels more like a crawl through a dark wilderness. More often than not, I have no idea what this part in my journey is supposed to look like. In reality, it looks like a lot of me crying sporadically throughout my weeks. It looks like not sleeping well some nights and having dreams that my mom has already died only to wake up and discover that she hasn’t died yet but is slowly dying. It looks like me not caring about things that I thought used to matter so much. It looks like floating in and out of fear, confusion, anger, grief, and uncertainty.

This dark wilderness I am in has left me with a lot of uncertainty. There are only a few things that stand out to me right now that are completely certain. God is for me. God loves me. He is good. He has a purpose for my existence even if I don’t always care about that purpose. (Because in my dark places, I do not even care to have a purpose sometimes.) He cares first and foremost about His glory… all else comes second.

Lately, I’ve been clinging to Isaiah 41:10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” It takes most of my energy to try to hang on to these words.  I still have my questions, fear, and all the rest, but I know He just wants me to trust Him. That has never been harder to do than right now.