I was graciously given the day off from work today by my
cool boss, and so far, it’s been pretty good… except for one thing… I feel as
if I have been fighting with myself all day long. The day started out innocent
enough with me sleeping in until 8:30. It’s kinda sad that 8:30 is now sleeping
in for me… hello adulthood!
After climbing out of bed, I jumped right into being
productive by packing up my room to move in with one of my dear friends. I even
took a break for lunch and listened to a Matt Chandler sermon on James that a friend recommended to me. In fact, I blame Matt Chandler… I felt
extremely convicted listening to this sermon. Thank you, Mr. Chandler. This
conviction was good, but did not feel good. I slowly realized as the day went
on that all day, and in recent days, I have been so focused on myself in so
many ways… ways that I am embarrassed to admit to myself, much less here.
I have been so consumed lately with trying to figure out
what I’m doing wrong, what (if anything) I’m doing right, what I need to be
doing, what I want to be doing, and the list goes on and on. And today, I just
came to a place where I was looking at myself in all my glory (insert sarcasm
here), and all I saw was sin, selfishness, brokenness, confusion, and blackness
in my heart. It hit me then that I have somehow gotten way off track by looking
only at myself instead of looking at God. When I look at God, He makes me aware
of things in me that need to change, but He does it gently and graciously. When
I look at God, it’s a lot easier to be thankful, receive His grace, and be
humble by recognizing that He is God and in control, and I’m not at all in
control though I feel like I am a lot of the time.
When I realized all this, I prayed for God to forgive me and
have mercy on me. I prayed for Him to prompt others to pray for me today. I
then remembered a sweet friend who randomly texted me this morning saying that she
was praying for me… God had already provided someone to pray for me before I
knew I needed it. How thankful I am for friends who aren’t just casual friends
to text or hang out with now and then, but friends who actually care enough to
pray for me and support me no matter how messy I feel inside.
I know I’m not done fighting this fight against my own sin
and selfishness, but I know that God is there, helping me struggle on in this
journey toward eternity. And, I’m so glad that I don’t have to struggle on
alone…
My fear, even as I write this, is that my readers will think
well of my walk with Jesus… and I do not want that. My walk with Him lately has
been more like a pathetic crawl, and there’s not a lot that I feel like I’ve
done right lately. But, I know His grace is more than enough for my crawling
instead of walking. And though I still struggle very much to grasp this truth,
I know He loves me as if I walk with Him perfectly and never sin at all. I wish
this truth humbled me more and made me more thankful than I tend to be. That
said, I hope this post can be considered as a real, honest confession written
to help others learn from my mistakes as well as point to how awesome the Lord truly is…
If you're feeling brave, here is the link to that sermon from Matt Chandler...
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