Presence and Trust

At the risk of sounding dramatic, these last several months have been the most painful and darkest of my entire life. I have felt varying levels of confusion, anger, depression, extreme apathy, discontentment, and numbness on this rollercoaster of grief that I feel I’m on… I so desperately want off this ride, but I know that getting off soon is just not possible. Not only has this felt like an emotional rollercoaster ride, but also, my relationship with God has looked more different than it ever has. To be honest, I have countless moments when I just wonder where He is or what He is up to in my life and in the lives of my family members, especially my parents.  It’s been very hard to hear His voice. Sometimes it seems like He’s not speaking as clearly to me as He has in the past. Maybe both of these statements are true. But, two clear phrases I keep hearing from Him are, “I’m still here” and, “Do you trust Me?”

I am well aware that none of us are promised happiness or ease in this life. And, the phrase, “Life isn’t fair” has definitely come to my mind a lot lately. But, I have found that the promise of Him always being there for us is true. I have so many dark moments when I wonder what the point of my life is and why He is making me go through watching my mom die slowly through the effects of Dementia. During these dark times, in my pain and grief, I have heard Him say to me several times, “I’m still here.” These words do not take away my pain, but there’s a certain peace that comes into my spirit every time I hear Him say that. It’s like knowing that even when I feel I am completely alone, and everyone and everything else is not there for me to rely on, He is there… and it’s just me and Him… and I know then, that I’m not alone in this darkness.

There was a time a few months ago, in my exasperation in feeling so much pain, that I asked God, “What do you want from me?!” I’m not sure if I even expected an answer from Him when I asked this question. But, I did receive an answer. I sensed Him saying to me, “I just want you to trust Me, Brittany.” Part of me, in anger, wanted to shout back, “Oh! Is that all?! My mom is dying, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, and You want me to trust You?!” But, there was another part of me that felt peace as I realized how simple that sounded, and that there was nothing else He expected of me in my grief… a time when I feel so weary and incapable of doing so many things that I once did. Most of the time when I think of what God wants from me, I make it complicated by making it a long list of things that I need to work on… like be more patient, love those who are hard to love, pray more, read my Bible more, go the extra mile to serve someone else, and the list goes on and on.  To know, in that moment, that all He wants for me in this season is just to trust Him sounds so simple and relieving to hear.

I have found that it’s easy to feel like I’m trusting Him when I’m worshipping at church or at Liberty’s convo, or reading Scripture that resonates with me. Sometimes I have moments when I feel like I can say, “Yes, I trust God, because I really feel like there’s nothing left for me to do at this point.” Other times, I have moments when I don’t care about anything, and that includes not caring about whether or not I'm trusting Him. However, more often than not, I just have to say, “Right now, I’m struggling to trust You, but I want to. Please help me.”

I recently told a friend that my life right now feels a lot like a marathon… every day is a fight to keep going, keep trusting, and keep believing that God is good when I feel so much pain trying to face the reality that my mom is slowly dying. I don’t know what my future holds, and most of the time, it feels like I don’t have much of a future as all I can see is my mom dying. There aren’t words to describe how awful this reality is. But, despite all this, I feel that I know in my mind that He is still here with me, and He only wants me to trust Him. I’m finding that believing in my spirit that He is still here and trusting Him completely is the real struggle that I often experience. So, every day, I choose to engage in this struggle by dragging myself out of bed and taking one moment at a time as I do those things He’s called me to do. I’m far from having great faith like Paul or John and so many others, but I think still choosing to engage in my struggle counts for something with the Lord…