Late night flight home from the west coast to the east coast. Ten
minutes til boarding. Five minutes. Time to board now. Nothing happening.
Announcement on the screen… “flight cancelled.” Three hours later, I found myself
checking into a hotel that took a long time to arrange by the airline as I
promised myself never to fly with that particular airline again after multiple
issues. Sure, it was good that the flight was cancelled because the plane
needed a repair. Dying by plane crash was definitely not on my agenda for the
day. But tired, frustrated, out of patience, and just plain mad, I didn’t care
about possible death by airplane at that moment. I was now going to have to be
shuffled around even more than I was before this mess when all I wanted was a
bed… welcome to the joys of flying...
We all find ourselves in that situation… where the thing we didn’t
want to happen has now happened, and now we have to figure out what the heck to
do about it. And, if you’re like me, you have to figure out what to do as you
wade through all the turbulent emotions you feel in response to whatever poo
sandwich you just got handed… And sometimes, those emotions do their best to
pull you under their tide to take away your control. How dare anything stand in
our way to remind us of how little in control we all are in this life.
I’ve found myself in situations like these over and over again a
lot in the last few years. To keep it real, I’ve been journeying through the
darkest season of my life I’ve ever lived. I’ve asked my questions to God, cried,
thrown tantrums that could compete with any 3 year old, and willed myself to be
still and reflect and pray and know that He is God, and I am not… and that He
is infinitely good. But, I’m not going to go into His character right now…
that’s for another post.
What has caught my attention over and over again is how we all as
humans, made in His likeness, respond to each other when our brother or sister
finds themselves in that situation where life has just handed them a poo
sandwich. I’m particularly thinking of all of us in the body of Christ. I’ve
noticed how difficult it seems to be for a lot of us to validate and empathize
with each other when life just took a dump on someone we love. I use the term
“us” because I know I do not always do this in the ways that my brothers and
sisters in Christ need (raise your hand if you’re imperfect now). One of my
favorite lines we give each other and say to ourselves is, “Well, God is good.”
This line always makes me laugh a little… It’s like saying the sky is blue.
“Yep, I lost my job today. But, that’s ok. The sky is still blue!” I always
want to say, “Well, of course He’s still good! But what do I do with this
mess that I now have sitting in my lap?!” I’ve noticed that we don’t do this kind
of hard well. We don’t know how to just sit and be with someone who is hurting
or suffering in some way. We don’t know how to offer our presence to those
around us, and I daresay, we don’t have a clue what it looks like to offer our
own presence to ourselves… also, for another post.
I’ve observed that we say things to each other with good
intentions, but as Proverbs says, all we are doing is singing joyful songs to a
heavy heart… which only leaves the one who is suffering feeling even more alone
and misunderstood, adding to the suffering they’re facing. But, why do we do
this? Part of the answer I believe includes wanting to make ourselves feel
better… after all, seeing someone suffering makes us feel sad, powerless,
frustrated, maybe even angry or afraid… you know, those emotions that barge
down the door of your house insisting to come and stay awhile though clearly
uninvited. But what should we feel in response to someone’s else’s suffering?
Happy? Content? What if we let ourselves feel those emotions without having to
board up the doors of our house, declaring that only positive emotions are
allowed to stay? I’ve come to believe more and more that inviting those
negative emotions into our souls on someone else’s behalf is one of the most
beautiful gifts we can give each other… it’s called compassion… it’s part of
the power of presence that all of us have to offer to each other in this dark
world. It means validating other people’s difficulties and asking questions
about what they’re going through to try to understand instead of seeking to
fulfill our own nagging curiosity. It means saying things like, “I’m so sorry.
That is so heartbreaking. That’s really hard. I hate that for you. I’m here for
you.” It means truly listening to each other when we’re struggling and being
slower to speak, knowing that we will never have all the answers in this life…
and letting each other ask the hard questions out loud without having to give
or have an answer right away. I’m learning that offering ourselves to each
other in this way, is extremely rare, but it doesn’t have to be.
And, can I just say, thank God for therapists? They earn every
penny they make (most of them). Sure, they have their knowledge and training,
but more than that, they give this kind of presence to us in our pain. They, like
Jesus, model for us what we need to all do for each other. They sit in the mess
with us, listen, validate, empathize, and point out those things in our blind
spots. One of the most beautiful moments I got to experience recently was
verbally vomiting on my therapist and straight up ugly crying in front of her…
and we came to the end of the session… we both stood up… she hugged me (like a
real, genuine hug), and said quietly to me, “I love my time with you.” WHAT?! I
wanted to cry all over again… how undeserving I felt of that kind of care. I
wanted to ask her what the heck she was talking about… I mean, I just laid out
all my pain on the table, and *that’s* what she says to me?! It blew me away. I
knew then that I had just experienced the power of another’s presence. We all
have this power. Our loving God has this power in abundance. He offers us His
presence over and over again and never stops telling us, “Come to me,
Child.”
We have ultimate hope that only He can offer. We’re promised an
end and solution to all the suffering in this life. We have a good, loving,
compassionate God as our Father, who is carrying us through all we face. We
have all we need in Him. But, I think we do not have what need in each other
sometimes. We don’t need answers, we don’t need joyful songs sung to our heavy
hearts, and we don’t even need all of our messes to be cleaned up immediately.
We need to help each other through our messes. The power of others' presence in
the messes of our lives is part of the power He gave us to shine His light in
this dark, hurting world. I believe that it’s time that this offering ourselves
to each other is no longer rare, but can be found in abundance in our relationships.
May He give us grace and humility to use the power of our presence in love. May
we submit to His power to remove whatever it is standing in our way of giving
our presence to those around us who need it.
This post is dedicated to all my friends who have been there for
me, offering their presence: you reflect Jesus to me in my darkest times. A "thank
you" could never be enough…
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