The Power of Presence (Especially when life sucks...)

Late night flight home from the west coast to the east coast. Ten minutes til boarding. Five minutes. Time to board now. Nothing happening. Announcement on the screen… “flight cancelled.” Three hours later, I found myself checking into a hotel that took a long time to arrange by the airline as I promised myself never to fly with that particular airline again after multiple issues. Sure, it was good that the flight was cancelled because the plane needed a repair. Dying by plane crash was definitely not on my agenda for the day. But tired, frustrated, out of patience, and just plain mad, I didn’t care about possible death by airplane at that moment. I was now going to have to be shuffled around even more than I was before this mess when all I wanted was a bed… welcome to the joys of flying...

We all find ourselves in that situation… where the thing we didn’t want to happen has now happened, and now we have to figure out what the heck to do about it. And, if you’re like me, you have to figure out what to do as you wade through all the turbulent emotions you feel in response to whatever poo sandwich you just got handed… And sometimes, those emotions do their best to pull you under their tide to take away your control. How dare anything stand in our way to remind us of how little in control we all are in this life.

I’ve found myself in situations like these over and over again a lot in the last few years. To keep it real, I’ve been journeying through the darkest season of my life I’ve ever lived. I’ve asked my questions to God, cried, thrown tantrums that could compete with any 3 year old, and willed myself to be still and reflect and pray and know that He is God, and I am not… and that He is infinitely good. But, I’m not going to go into His character right now… that’s for another post. 

What has caught my attention over and over again is how we all as humans, made in His likeness, respond to each other when our brother or sister finds themselves in that situation where life has just handed them a poo sandwich. I’m particularly thinking of all of us in the body of Christ. I’ve noticed how difficult it seems to be for a lot of us to validate and empathize with each other when life just took a dump on someone we love. I use the term “us” because I know I do not always do this in the ways that my brothers and sisters in Christ need (raise your hand if you’re imperfect now). One of my favorite lines we give each other and say to ourselves is, “Well, God is good.” This line always makes me laugh a little… It’s like saying the sky is blue. “Yep, I lost my job today. But, that’s ok. The sky is still blue!” I always want to say, “Well, of  course He’s still good! But what do I do with this mess that I now have sitting in my lap?!” I’ve noticed that we don’t do this kind of hard well. We don’t know how to just sit and be with someone who is hurting or suffering in some way. We don’t know how to offer our presence to those around us, and I daresay, we don’t have a clue what it looks like to offer our own presence to ourselves… also, for another post. 

I’ve observed that we say things to each other with good intentions, but as Proverbs says, all we are doing is singing joyful songs to a heavy heart… which only leaves the one who is suffering feeling even more alone and misunderstood, adding to the suffering they’re facing. But, why do we do this? Part of the answer I believe includes wanting to make ourselves feel better… after all, seeing someone suffering makes us feel sad, powerless, frustrated, maybe even angry or afraid… you know, those emotions that barge down the door of your house insisting to come and stay awhile though clearly uninvited. But what should we feel in response to someone’s else’s suffering? Happy? Content? What if we let ourselves feel those emotions without having to board up the doors of our house, declaring that only positive emotions are allowed to stay? I’ve come to believe more and more that inviting those negative emotions into our souls on someone else’s behalf is one of the most beautiful gifts we can give each other… it’s called compassion… it’s part of the power of presence that all of us have to offer to each other in this dark world. It means validating other people’s difficulties and asking questions about what they’re going through to try to understand instead of seeking to fulfill our own nagging curiosity. It means saying things like, “I’m so sorry. That is so heartbreaking. That’s really hard. I hate that for you. I’m here for you.” It means truly listening to each other when we’re struggling and being slower to speak, knowing that we will never have all the answers in this life… and letting each other ask the hard questions out loud without having to give or have an answer right away. I’m learning that offering ourselves to each other in this way, is extremely rare, but it doesn’t have to be. 

And, can I just say, thank God for therapists? They earn every penny they make (most of them). Sure, they have their knowledge and training, but more than that, they give this kind of presence to us in our pain. They, like Jesus, model for us what we need to all do for each other. They sit in the mess with us, listen, validate, empathize, and point out those things in our blind spots. One of the most beautiful moments I got to experience recently was verbally vomiting on my therapist and straight up ugly crying in front of her… and we came to the end of the session… we both stood up… she hugged me (like a real, genuine hug), and said quietly to me, “I love my time with you.” WHAT?! I wanted to cry all over again… how undeserving I felt of that kind of care. I wanted to ask her what the heck she was talking about… I mean, I just laid out all my pain on the table, and *that’s* what she says to me?! It blew me away. I knew then that I had just experienced the power of another’s presence. We all have this power. Our loving God has this power in abundance. He offers us His presence over and over again and never stops telling us, “Come to me, Child.” 

We have ultimate hope that only He can offer. We’re promised an end and solution to all the suffering in this life. We have a good, loving, compassionate God as our Father, who is carrying us through all we face. We have all we need in Him. But, I think we do not have what need in each other sometimes. We don’t need answers, we don’t need joyful songs sung to our heavy hearts, and we don’t even need all of our messes to be cleaned up immediately. We need to help each other through our messes. The power of others' presence in the messes of our lives is part of the power He gave us to shine His light in this dark, hurting world. I believe that it’s time that this offering ourselves to each other is no longer rare, but can be found in abundance in our relationships. May He give us grace and humility to use the power of our presence in love. May we submit to His power to remove whatever it is standing in our way of giving our presence to those around us who need it. 

This post is dedicated to all my friends who have been there for me, offering their presence: you reflect Jesus to me in my darkest times. A "thank you" could never be enough… 

A Word to College Students...

Recently, I was asked to write a short devotional that will be included in reading material for female college students. Those of us who submit a devotional will then speak on a panel this coming February about relevant issues women face related to their relationship with God. I feel privileged to have been asked to write as well as speak to female college students. This is the devotional I wrote back in October... thought I'd share with my readers of this blog...

Let me tell you some truth about me. I struggle to have the discipline and energy to engage God in Bible reading and prayer on a consistent basis. I find myself sometimes wondering what the point of my life is. Right now, I struggle to believe that God loves me, cares for me, and is for me. To be even more blatantly honest, my mother at the age of 55 was diagnosed with a rare kind of early-onset Dementia in December 2014. This diagnosis has sent my family and I into a darkness we didn’t even know existed. The reality is that my mom will most likely not see the age of 60 as her disease is progressing very quickly now. Not ever would I have guessed that I’d be where I am today… losing my mom slowly as I watch her lose more and more of herself.

Fast forward to October 7, 2015, which finds me listening to Louie Giglio talk about saying “yes” to Jesus in giving our lives to Him. With the ending of his message, the band came up to play a song that drove home what I feel the Holy Spirit was trying to say to me… these lyrics rang in my ears, “My heart is yours, take it all, my life is in your hands…” In that moment, I was reminded that God saw me… all of me… my grief, my circumstances with my mom, my struggles, everything...

Here in this valley I’m walking through, I’m finding how much God is in control and how little control I actually have. I’m finding that my “control” is mostly an illusion because my life is completely in His hands. Nothing happens to me without God’s knowledge and approval. Though that truth is sometimes hard to swallow, it is true nonetheless. It’s at times like these, in the darkest valleys, that it’s so difficult to say “yes” to Jesus in surrendering my life… saying “yes”, no matter what happens or doesn’t happen… saying “yes”, knowing that further into my journey I will face the loss of my mom. It was in those quiet, worshipful moments following Louie Giglio’s talk that I realized that is what I’m doing as I pull myself out of bed every morning to face another day in this valley… I’m saying “yes” to Jesus, and that’s never been more difficult. But, I know it’s worth it because He loves me with a perfect, holy love that will never cease. There’s a prayer that I came across recently that resonates with me in this, “Oh Love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in thee.” So, I will walk this path each day as best I can, and keep saying “yes” to the only One worthy of such a response. I can say from where I am right now, that we as believers are never alone, our God sees us and cares more than we can imagine, and we can say “yes” to Him every day as we choose to trust Him with our lives no matter how much we struggle because His grace meets us where we are. 

Presence and Trust

At the risk of sounding dramatic, these last several months have been the most painful and darkest of my entire life. I have felt varying levels of confusion, anger, depression, extreme apathy, discontentment, and numbness on this rollercoaster of grief that I feel I’m on… I so desperately want off this ride, but I know that getting off soon is just not possible. Not only has this felt like an emotional rollercoaster ride, but also, my relationship with God has looked more different than it ever has. To be honest, I have countless moments when I just wonder where He is or what He is up to in my life and in the lives of my family members, especially my parents.  It’s been very hard to hear His voice. Sometimes it seems like He’s not speaking as clearly to me as He has in the past. Maybe both of these statements are true. But, two clear phrases I keep hearing from Him are, “I’m still here” and, “Do you trust Me?”

I am well aware that none of us are promised happiness or ease in this life. And, the phrase, “Life isn’t fair” has definitely come to my mind a lot lately. But, I have found that the promise of Him always being there for us is true. I have so many dark moments when I wonder what the point of my life is and why He is making me go through watching my mom die slowly through the effects of Dementia. During these dark times, in my pain and grief, I have heard Him say to me several times, “I’m still here.” These words do not take away my pain, but there’s a certain peace that comes into my spirit every time I hear Him say that. It’s like knowing that even when I feel I am completely alone, and everyone and everything else is not there for me to rely on, He is there… and it’s just me and Him… and I know then, that I’m not alone in this darkness.

There was a time a few months ago, in my exasperation in feeling so much pain, that I asked God, “What do you want from me?!” I’m not sure if I even expected an answer from Him when I asked this question. But, I did receive an answer. I sensed Him saying to me, “I just want you to trust Me, Brittany.” Part of me, in anger, wanted to shout back, “Oh! Is that all?! My mom is dying, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, and You want me to trust You?!” But, there was another part of me that felt peace as I realized how simple that sounded, and that there was nothing else He expected of me in my grief… a time when I feel so weary and incapable of doing so many things that I once did. Most of the time when I think of what God wants from me, I make it complicated by making it a long list of things that I need to work on… like be more patient, love those who are hard to love, pray more, read my Bible more, go the extra mile to serve someone else, and the list goes on and on.  To know, in that moment, that all He wants for me in this season is just to trust Him sounds so simple and relieving to hear.

I have found that it’s easy to feel like I’m trusting Him when I’m worshipping at church or at Liberty’s convo, or reading Scripture that resonates with me. Sometimes I have moments when I feel like I can say, “Yes, I trust God, because I really feel like there’s nothing left for me to do at this point.” Other times, I have moments when I don’t care about anything, and that includes not caring about whether or not I'm trusting Him. However, more often than not, I just have to say, “Right now, I’m struggling to trust You, but I want to. Please help me.”

I recently told a friend that my life right now feels a lot like a marathon… every day is a fight to keep going, keep trusting, and keep believing that God is good when I feel so much pain trying to face the reality that my mom is slowly dying. I don’t know what my future holds, and most of the time, it feels like I don’t have much of a future as all I can see is my mom dying. There aren’t words to describe how awful this reality is. But, despite all this, I feel that I know in my mind that He is still here with me, and He only wants me to trust Him. I’m finding that believing in my spirit that He is still here and trusting Him completely is the real struggle that I often experience. So, every day, I choose to engage in this struggle by dragging myself out of bed and taking one moment at a time as I do those things He’s called me to do. I’m far from having great faith like Paul or John and so many others, but I think still choosing to engage in my struggle counts for something with the Lord…

Unseen Arms

Driving through this night
my world feels like it's caving in,
but the windows rolled down
with the wind playing on me
and the music carrying me down the road,
there is a hint of comfort...
and I feel as if I'm being held
by arms I can't see.

Certainties Among Uncertainties

Lately I’ve been feeling like I should always be happy as I give my life over to the Lord, and I should be happy with what He does with my life.  I want to add here that I have been cautioned by a few friends about my usage of “should.” There may be too many “shoulds” in my thinking. One friend has told me that I should be careful, or I’ll “should all over myself.” It’s probably too late for that…

So, I’ve been wondering and wrestling with God over the question of, “What if I don’t like what God is doing in my life?” For days that seemed like weeks to me, I didn’t have an answer to this question… and I hated that.  The truth is, I don’t like a lot of what God is doing in my life. If I am brutally honest, I hate what He is doing in my life. The Bible says that God gives and takes away. It may be a bold thing to say, but He is taking away my mom right now. I’m watching her die very slowly of Dementia at the age of 56. I’m watching how it affects my dad who has been married to her for 30 years. I’m watching him gradually do more and more as she can do less and less. To even write all that right there blows my mind… it doesn’t even feel real sometimes.

I think of all the people that come to mind that God used greatly for His glory… people He hurt deeply by what He did in their lives. I think of Job, Jonah, Paul, and Jeremiah. I think of the writer of the song, “It is Well With My Soul,” who lost all his family members on one sinking ship. I don’t think he or Job or any of the others always liked what God was doing in their lives.

The truth is, these days, my walk with Jesus feels more like a crawl through a dark wilderness. More often than not, I have no idea what this part in my journey is supposed to look like. In reality, it looks like a lot of me crying sporadically throughout my weeks. It looks like not sleeping well some nights and having dreams that my mom has already died only to wake up and discover that she hasn’t died yet but is slowly dying. It looks like me not caring about things that I thought used to matter so much. It looks like floating in and out of fear, confusion, anger, grief, and uncertainty.

This dark wilderness I am in has left me with a lot of uncertainty. There are only a few things that stand out to me right now that are completely certain. God is for me. God loves me. He is good. He has a purpose for my existence even if I don’t always care about that purpose. (Because in my dark places, I do not even care to have a purpose sometimes.) He cares first and foremost about His glory… all else comes second.

Lately, I’ve been clinging to Isaiah 41:10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” It takes most of my energy to try to hang on to these words.  I still have my questions, fear, and all the rest, but I know He just wants me to trust Him. That has never been harder to do than right now.

Fighting With Myself...

I was graciously given the day off from work today by my cool boss, and so far, it’s been pretty good… except for one thing… I feel as if I have been fighting with myself all day long. The day started out innocent enough with me sleeping in until 8:30. It’s kinda sad that 8:30 is now sleeping in for me… hello adulthood!

After climbing out of bed, I jumped right into being productive by packing up my room to move in with one of my dear friends. I even took a break for lunch and listened to a Matt Chandler sermon on James that a friend recommended to me. In fact, I blame Matt Chandler… I felt extremely convicted listening to this sermon. Thank you, Mr. Chandler. This conviction was good, but did not feel good. I slowly realized as the day went on that all day, and in recent days, I have been so focused on myself in so many ways… ways that I am embarrassed to admit to myself, much less here. 

I have been so consumed lately with trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what (if anything) I’m doing right, what I need to be doing, what I want to be doing, and the list goes on and on. And today, I just came to a place where I was looking at myself in all my glory (insert sarcasm here), and all I saw was sin, selfishness, brokenness, confusion, and blackness in my heart. It hit me then that I have somehow gotten way off track by looking only at myself instead of looking at God. When I look at God, He makes me aware of things in me that need to change, but He does it gently and graciously. When I look at God, it’s a lot easier to be thankful, receive His grace, and be humble by recognizing that He is God and in control, and I’m not at all in control though I feel like I am a lot of the time.

When I realized all this, I prayed for God to forgive me and have mercy on me. I prayed for Him to prompt others to pray for me today. I then remembered a sweet friend who randomly texted me this morning saying that she was praying for me… God had already provided someone to pray for me before I knew I needed it. How thankful I am for friends who aren’t just casual friends to text or hang out with now and then, but friends who actually care enough to pray for me and support me no matter how messy I feel inside.

I know I’m not done fighting this fight against my own sin and selfishness, but I know that God is there, helping me struggle on in this journey toward eternity. And, I’m so glad that I don’t have to struggle on alone…

My fear, even as I write this, is that my readers will think well of my walk with Jesus… and I do not want that. My walk with Him lately has been more like a pathetic crawl, and there’s not a lot that I feel like I’ve done right lately. But, I know His grace is more than enough for my crawling instead of walking. And though I still struggle very much to grasp this truth, I know He loves me as if I walk with Him perfectly and never sin at all. I wish this truth humbled me more and made me more thankful than I tend to be. That said, I hope this post can be considered as a real, honest confession written to help others learn from my mistakes as well as point to how awesome the Lord truly is…

If you're feeling brave, here is the link to that sermon from Matt Chandler... 

http://www.thevillagechurch.net/resources/sermons/detail/worldliness--godliness/

Surrendering...

I love how snow has a way of shutting most all activity down… the beauty of living in the south. I’ve had lots of much needed quiet moments to myself with just Jesus and I. One of the more recent ones come to mind now…

My dad and I have been trying to figure out if mom is getting worse or not, and I find myself worrying about this… as if my worrying can somehow slow down this disease or control it somehow. But in one of my still moments yesterday, I heard the Lord say to me, “Can you entrust her to Me?” I stopped my racing thoughts to ponder that question for a moment… because when He speaks, things have a way of coming to a halt… the wind, the waves, and especially the human striving. And, I finally answered, “Yes, Lord. What other choice do I really have?” I know that He holds my mom’s life in His hand, and I know that surrendering my worries and even my vain attempt to try to control this situation through my worrying is going to be a continual surrender… a process that He wants me to go through so that I learn, really learn, what it means to trust Him. I’m learning that it’s really one thing to say that I trust Him, but another to actually exercise this trust by living out this life of faith. My prayer is that I surrender to Him all those things that do not really belong to me anyway… every day for as long as I live here.